How many times have you heard “Are you a dog or a cat lover?” Well I guess for me I would say I’m feline through and through. But what is it that makes us a moggy mate or a feline foe? Ruby Osborn gives you her definitive guide to cats and tells you why they are worthy of worship…

I love cats. I live with four and could happily have more. Dogs may be a man’s best friend, but cats in my option have so much more independence and personality. Don’t agree? Read on before you make up your mind...

Eccentric Behaviour

When you look at a cat, poised in the sun, or at night when their eyes flash bright, they look so majestic and royal. The character and look of cats is so striking that it’s no surprise the Ancient Egyptians worshipped them. So much so that they made killing one punishable by death! And when the cats of royalty died, they were often mummified and put in coffins with their owners. So when cats are ignoring you, taking your seat or turning their noses up at tinned food with an “I’m eating salmon, or I’m not eating” expression, it’s not unreasonable to think that they haven’t forgotten they were once considered gods.

One of my favourite things about cats is their indecisiveness and the things they do that just don’t make sense. How many times have you said to your cat “Do you want to be in or out?” It’s perfectly normal for a cat to 1. Come into the house through one door and insist on leaving by another 2. Beg for someone to let them in by a preferred entrance while another is clearly open, or 3. Just sit there, when you open the door, in no hurry to enter?! And of course we must also be prepared for them to walk straight in through the house and out of the back door, leaving us stood gob smacked feeling used.

Some Feline Laws of Physics

Law 1 - Cat fur and textiles are magnetically attracted.
Law 2 - This attraction increases in direct proportion to the amount of colour contrast between the fur and the textile.
Law 3 - You will never completely remove all fur from said textiles. Use sticky tape, vacuum, wash or dry clean them, even drop them in a nuclear reactor, no technique will make it all go away.

Sods Claw
The clothes that attract the most fur are the ones you are wearing to something very important and are discovered when you have the least time to do anything about it.

Manipulation, free food and blackmail tactics

So how did cats come to get their life of free food and strokes on tap? Contrary to what you might think, we didn’t domesticate them. Anyone who knows a cat will tell you - they do what they want, full stop. The common theory is that they kind of domesticated themselves, or to put it another way, knew when they were onto a good thing. You see when humans started storing food, mice and other rodent problems came too.

Cats saw a perfect opportunity to have a more relaxed life where their natural skills of keeping mice at bay were rewarded with dinner but where there was still a place for their hunting urge. They were also small, puurrrfect for stroking and kept themselves clean. What more could humans ask for? It was a win-win situation. Except for the mice of course.

Cats are good at wearing us humans down. And cats like areas that become their ‘throne’.
They don’t like to leave a spot if they’re comfortable and if you do try to move them, there are three responses which
I have come across. They either scratch you until you get the message, meow disapprovingly and give you such an offended look that you relent, or they move, sit somewhere else and spend the next hour staring at you. Expressions range from upset to annoyed, until you wish you’d just left them be and found somewhere else to sit.
If you’re tucking into some fresh meat and they’ve got ‘tuna flavoured’ grub, they will instead sit by the table, stare at your fork every time it moves and meow very pitifully or annoyingly loud. It’s the feline equivalent of those appeals you get on the telly, making you feel like a terrible person, until you give in to sharing your dinner. One of my cats actually puts his front paws on the chair and head butts my elbow while purring, which is not as cute as it may sound. But, in their defence, dogs do this too and they have more expressive eyebrows, which they use to devastating effect

Wild at Heart

When you’re looking at your cat, curled up in a furry ball after they’ve enjoyed a tummy tickle, it’s hard to imagine them living in the wild. But, believe it or not, domestic cats were once wild animals. They lived without any contact with humans and hunted alone. So no strokes, no sofas, and definitely no radiators. And there’s no way you would have cuddled one of these creatures. Not unless you wanted to be viciously attacked by a furry set of claws and teeth. You can still see evidence of this wild history in the behaviour and physical makeup of domestic cats today. They don’t need to hunt, but how many of them bring us animal ‘gifts’ in their teeth? One of my cats once managed to carry a frog as a ‘gift’ for me up to the attic without killing it.

Aside from sharpness of teeth and claws, cats react scarily fast and can jump amazing heights without caring. Believe me; shouting “Don’t jump!” does not work on a cat 20 feet up a tree with only a shed roof to cushion them. And they are also very sneaky. I don’t know how many times I’ve turned over in bed to find myself nose to nose with a cat, who had made a James Bond entrance into my room, silently stepping between the pressure pads, and doing a ninja style leap over the laser trip wires. But the best and most comical evidence for me of a cat’s primal history is in watching their hunting urge in play. They’ll go for anything that dangles! Including fingers - my mum has the scars to prove it.

If you dropped a domestic cat back in the wild, they would have all the physical tools to survive. So cat’s are a bit of a contradiction. They are either purring for affectionate, meowing for food or unfriendly and ignore us if they don’t want anything. I think this primal meets domestic clash of the cat is partly why we’re either cat people, or we’re not. And if we’re not, let’s face it, they don’t need us and we wanna be loved. They are at their core lone hunters and can survive without us.

So there you have it. Why I hope you’ve become a cat convert. These creatures sure know how to live and if anything we’re jealous of their cushty lives.

And remember, if you have a cat or are thinking of getting one, all cats have the right to be indecisive, stubborn, manipulative and picky. They could leave if they wanted, because they don’t need us. So be honoured they’re sticking around. They used to be gods and should be worshipped accordingly.

By Ruby Osborn