The one

It had to be done. As soon as the crimson, coagulated blood punctured through my aching skin, I felt a sudden bustle of trepidation. Seconds earlier I had been impaled by a burnished, razor-sharp knife. Although the pain is excruciating it has become my exuberance.

It all started four years ago. I was minding my own business on a bus through town when a small, rather ugly man started talking to me. You expect that type of weirdness in town but a few days later I had a phone call. It was him. I was mystified as to how he got my number and more bewilderment arose as I discovered he knew my email address and the location I live. I put the phone down convincing myself he was just trying to creep me out. A few days later the sun was gleaming and the air felt fresh so I decided to take my dog for a walk along the neighbouring woodlands. What a horrible mistake. As I entered the small, tapered passage leading towards the woods I heard crisp footsteps as the leaves settled on the ground behind me. I started to walk quicker, pulled by sudden rush of fear. 

As I sped up the footsteps behind kept my pace. I stopped and quickly turned round.  My instincts were precise, it was him. Questions filled my mind and prevented clear thinking. How did he know where I was? Why was he following me? What had I done? Why me? As the possibilities shot through my mind I felt a sudden tenderness in my shoulder, he was holding me tightly, as though I were his property, his eyes filled with anger. I dropped my dog lead and he ran rapidly away barking. I pulled away and ran in the direction my dog had taken. My heart was beating loudly but I needed to ensure my dog was safe. I stopped for a few seconds, panting, looks anxiously for a small white familiar shape to clam me.  From out of the quietness an impenetrable rock smashed sharply across my head. I fell to sideways into the barriers against the side of the bank.  A quick glimpse revealed how far the fall would be down to the dried up stream below. Seconds later I was to experience it. I landed with a vast thud at the bottom and my head hit a few large stones causing blood to pour fluently into the ground around me. All I could think about was my poor dog. I was terrified I had lost him.

It seemed like I had been down there a lifetime. I came round to focus on his ugly features pressed up against mine. His tense lips crinkled nearer. The thought of touching this man made me shiver and crumble inside. I moved my head away sharply but it went nowhere. I was in too much pain and his strength was overpowering. He held my face with both hands and forced me to kiss him whilst positioning his body in such a way I was powerless beneath him. The thought of what he might do tortured me enough to forget my physical pain. I struggled with everything I had to reach the nearest object I could hit him with.  Running still clutching the rock in my bruised hand, I couldn’t help but feel horrified at what I had done.  I turned back to help him up adrenaline pumping through the pain, my head numb and concussed. The blood gushing from my head now seemed normality. His eyes were closed. As I lent down to inspect his head he pulled me towards him and said “You can make this simpler girl, just accept you're mine.” I was so confused. What did he mean? I ran and ran and eventually found myself on the main road.  My dog barked towards me as I came from under the dark canopy of trees. I ran with him in my arms.  Blood soaked his coat.  I didn’t care about anything but getting us home.

I had trouble explained the mess I was in when I returned home but at least had time to hide most of it. I tried to forget about what had happened with the strange man but it kept replaying in my mind. I didn’t tell anyone as he had warned me it would get worse if I did. That weekend some friends had planned a party so, to take my mind of things, I decided to go. I was walking towards the bus stop from my house when I felt an almighty strength push against me and slam me into a nearby fence. I was told to follow him closely from a mocking whisper in my ear. I obeyed in fear and shock. We ended up at an old run down house surrounded by tall trees, dominant and powerful in presence. An icy breeze whistled through them as day turned to dusk.

We were stood behind the house whilst he explained to me that if I didn’t willingly agree to be with him then he would have to force me and he would hurt me more. I didn't understand what he meant. I felt trapped and confused. I broke down in tears, while he calmly watched me as if waiting for my decision.  They trickled down my face in small streams, pinching my cold skin as they turned to ice. I looked down at the ground in astonishment and shame, as I did I saw something glimmer in the reflection of the moonlight. I slowly lifted my aching head to see his hand firmly clutching a sharp, heavy knife. The blood in my body ran ice cold and one long paralysing shiver shot through every inch of my weakened body. My eyes opened wide and fixed themselves on the knife, memorised, praying it was only there for show. I was wrong. The sharp point of the knife pierced through my skin followed by what seemed an eternity of gushing pain as the knife drew deeper into my shoulder. Blood flowed down my arm as my body recoiled against it. I felt faint and disorientated. Just as the pain began to ease to numbness, the knife was quickly pulled from my skin forcing me collapse on the floor. Impulsively I screwed myself into a ball searching for a way to ease the pain. His shadow powered over me and I looked up to see the knife which had cut through me. His face was blank and his body was just a shape.  All I could focus on was the bloody weapon tightly gripped in his hands as my blood trickled gently to the ground. He picked me up and pressed me against the wall. I couldn't move. He pushed his body against me and started kissed my neck forcefully.  One hand buttoned the top of his trousers, whilst the other still firmly grasped the knife.

The next morning I was in agonising pain, my skin wept and one of the wounds still oozed blood throughout the day. I had great difficulty hiding my appearance from family and friends but I knew I had to.  I couldn’t risk making things worse. People started to assume I had been cutting myself due to my skin and how I isolated myself to constantly replay the traumatic memories of a man I could never escape. No one knew or understood my problems. I turned up to school on numerous occasions with cuts and bruises and no explanation as to why.  Rumours spread quickly that I was a ‘freak’ and I was shown no sympathy or kindness. The world was against me and I had no purpose to exist other than to be hurt and abused. These feelings of worthlessness repeated themselves in my head every night and I replayed every attack in graphic detail as if watching the worst kind of horror film. I had accepted this as part of my life. I was terrified of dark and small passages. I can’t walk past the little, old house where he once attacked me and still to this day I flinch at the sight of knives.

I know it's stupid not telling anyone about him and I realise the whole situation doesn't seem believable. I thought about telling someone or reporting him to the police, but he said he would know if I did and I have very reason to believe he would. I accept that you probably don't believe me. I don't suppose I would believe someone if it wasn’t happening to me. It continues month after month, year after year, every day in my mind. I just wish someone could understand. I guess I did something wrong to deserve this, something that can never be put right, it’s now my life. I just need to accept it. That I'm THE ONE he wanted.

~Anonymous

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